A JOURNEY
The past few months have without a doubt been the most trying of times for me personally. It seemed as if one rockfall after another continued to crush me, and it was getting more and more difficult to get back up each time. Each adversity that I faced seemed to make me weaker and weaker until I was not sure I would ever come out the other side. In the midst of such chaos I found myself beginning to accept my new reality and slowly forgetting the Kayley Jane I had always been. It wasn't each specific pebble that came falling down upon my head that troubled me; it was the daunting reality that they were all tumbling down at the same time. I felt that any sense of control that I thought I had over my life and my circumstances was stripped from me. I was bare. The hardest part has been having to deal with the aftereffects - constant anxiety, waves of depression, sickness, and the absence of inspiration. Although I am still in the boat, the initial waves of disruption and chaos have started to calm. I can finally breathe. This has given me the opportunity to truly reflect on this journey so far. While in the disarray, I was convinced that I would be overcome by this - that I would come out broken and battered. Now sitting in the (slowly but surely) calming seas, I realise that I am not broken. I truly and honestly feel stronger. Sitting here, still surrounded by the ripples of the storm I have just gone through, I am surprised by the feeling of gratitude. Even though I had grown bitter and hopeless toward my situation, my relationship with the storm has transformed. I am grateful because it has made me stronger. I am grateful because it has made me more "me" than I was before. A refining process, indeed. If I can find healing after this (which I have), and if I can find inspiration to grow and create and be truly alive - rather than merely exist - after this (which I have); then surely I have walked a journey worth walking. I am still very much immersed in the process of healing, but I would like to share the little that I have learned so far:
You are not defined by this.
It will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.
Do not go through this alone. You don't have to be ashamed of your storm; we all have our own.
Surround yourself with positive people who can remind you of the truth and encourage you when you feel overwhelmed.
Speak to people who have gone through what you are going through; they will know exactly what they needed to hear when they were where you are now.
Speak to yourself (and listen to yourself). There have been many times when my body has started to react to my circumstances and I have to tell myself, "Everything is okay". You will be surprised by how much your body responds to what you say and what you set your mind on (even if you are not feeling it).
Write it down. During times like these, our minds become saturated with thousands of thoughts and anxieties, it becomes hard to evaluate what we are truly feeling or what we believe about our situation. Writing it down daily, and then reading it weekly will help you evaluate your thoughts and feelings more clearly.
It has been rough sailing and I can honestly say that although I have been surrounded by the chaos, I have also been surrounded by incredibly supportive family and friends, and a husband that has relentlessly been there for me. God has truly blessed me. Wow.